Hola from the warzone that is modern gym culture.
I’m back home in the glorious state of Minnesota after four wild weeks of sun, sweat, and sand in South Padre — capped off with a detour into the 8th circle of fitness hell: Planet Fitness, Oklahoma edition.

It was either that or do curls with a gas can at the truck stop. So, with great reluctance and a crisp Andrew Jackson, I entered the not so hallowed purple puke wallZ.

This is what I saw. This is what I learned. This is why I still believe Planet Fitness is the death of progress - even if you are new to fitness.

Why I Went

Oklahoma. Middle of nowhere. Needed a gym. PF had a day pass.
That’s it. That’s the tweet.

Donuts, Trainers, and Dystopia

First impression:
The “trainer” — a PF staffer — walked in with a bag of Dunkin’ Donuts.

No joke. Not post-workout. Pre-work.

Now listen, I’m no orthorexic zealot. I love a good donut. I will inhale a maple-glazed yeast ring like a rabid honey badger with the best of them...

...but a trainer strolling into work double-fisting fried carbs? That’s the opening scene of a comedy-horror show.

I haven’t even touched a dumbbell yet, and the red flags are flapping louder than a deflated cheap kite.

The Dumbbell Desert

I paid my 20 clams and off to the weight section…
Dumbbells cap at 75 lbs.

Seventy. Five. That’s it. That’s the entire gauntlet.

No 80s. No 100s. Not even one dusty pair of 85s lurking in the corner like forbidden knowledge.

You’re telling me in the land of the free, I can’t row an 80 lb dumbbell?
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Bro. I’ve had female clients doing 1 arm DB rows with 80s and up 100s. Let that sink in. And if you put your mind to it, I know you can find a way to use heavier DBs too. Never lift in a gym that caps your potential.

Soul-Sucking Machines and Cardio Purgatory

The machines were a grab bag of decent and dog crap.

No chalk.

No bars.
And a vibe so low-energy I thought I walked into the local DMV.

Everyone — and I mean almost everyone — looked like they were waiting for a bus that never came.
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Dead eyes.
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Slumped posture.
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Like cardio was punishment for a sin they didn’t commit.

And the water fountain? Smelled like it was filtered through a gym sock filled with despair. No water for me I guess.

PF’s Business Model is a Black Hole

Let me break it down so you know why PF is the villain hiding in plain sight:

• $10/mo model banks on you never showing up. If everyone used their membership, the gym would implode.
• The Lunk Alarm. Designed to punish effort. Drop a weight and you’re publicly shamed like you just shoplifted a squat rack.
• Judgment-Free Zone™? Pleeeeeze. They judge anyone who looks like they know how to train. It’s reverse-snobbery disguised as inclusivity.
• Pizza Monday + Bagel Tuesday. The carb equivalent of handing out menthols at a lung cancer ward.
• Zero progression. No overload. No strength culture. Just endless elliptical oblivion.
• Culture of mediocrity. If you lift hard, you’re the weirdo. If you coast? You’re a hero. It’s the Planet of Lowered Expectations.

Better Alternatives

• Find a real gym. Ask questions. Try a day pass. Check the vibe. Talk to staff. If you feel judged for trying, GTFO.
• Pay more. It hurts less than stagnation.
• Even a garage gym > PF. If PF is your only option, use it. But know what you’re missing.

TL;DR: Planet Fitness is a Joke

But not the ha-ha funny kind.
The sad kind, where the punchline is your wasted time, your unchallenged muscles, and your slowly evaporating will to improve.

It’s not a gym. It’s a theater of the absurd, decorated in purple shame from an exploded Barney, built for profit—not performance and sure as heck not helping your gainZ Brosefus.

Don’t buy the lie.
Don’t eat the pizza.
And never trust a gym where donuts outnumber deadlifts.

Much love and chalk dust,
Dr. Mike

PS – I’ll be back in the gym, covered in sweat and pride, using real weights and drinking from a water fountain that doesn’t smell like yesterday's regret. You should too.
PPS – If you want a smarter approach to training, nutrition, and recovery that doesn’t involve pizza Tuesdays, check out the Flex Diet Cert. Opens June 16.

_____________________

Mike T Nelson CISSN, CSCS, MSME, PhD
Associate Professor, Carrick Institute
Owner, Extreme Human Performance, LLC
Editorial Board Member, STRONG Fitness Mag

Mike T Nelson is a PhD and not a physician or registered dietitian. The contents of this email should not be taken as medical advice. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any health problem - nor is it intended to replace the advice of a physician. Always consult your physician or qualified health professional on any matters regarding your health.

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